Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th January 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Monday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Sunday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Charles Yeager. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Hook up with an Octopus on Friday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Monday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Ross Perot in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. If you wear too much make-up on Monday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Avoid the number 58 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Try relaxing on Thursday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.