Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th June 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like William Shakespeare will shower you with unusual gifts on Tuesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing white Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. On Monday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Avoid the number 69 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You will bump into a Mussel on Thursday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Thursday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Hanging out with a Scallop on Thursday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Sunday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 1. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Try relaxing on Tuesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.