Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th June 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 20 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. On Tuesday, the color white, the number 66 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Sunday. It will impress a secret admirer. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like David Beckham then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Abraham Lincoln, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.