Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You will bump into a Mussel on Thursday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
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