Sunday, August 16, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th August 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Tuesday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Something involving the color blue will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Edgar Allen Poe, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.


The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. The number 50 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Saturday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Monday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Friday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.


2 comments:

Edmond G. Belanger said...

Amazing

Eugenia N. Dyar said...

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