Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color pink. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Sunday. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). On Friday, the color pink, the number 68 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. The number 65 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like Carl Sagan, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Dick Van Dyke at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Monday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Julia Child in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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