You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Monday.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Bob Dylan driving a black car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Monday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
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