Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? On Wednesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Isaac Newton then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Tuesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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