Sunday, August 7, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th August 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Carol Burnett in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Wednesday who looks at all like Mohammad Ali, then you should kiss them without hesitation.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Sunday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 65, the color white and someone who has a connection to Martin Luther King will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.


The Slug July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Look yourself in the mirror on Saturday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.


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