If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Saturday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Tom Hanks. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. You will go to an auction on Wednesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Eisenhower will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
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