A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 79 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like John Travolta will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing yellow You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. You are not Lucille Ball, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. The number 72 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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