You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Mae West driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Valerie Harper. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Saturday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Tuesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
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