Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If you see anybody this week who looks like Carl Sagan, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like Thomas Edison, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Dan Aykroyd, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 19 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Take extra special care on Saturday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Augustus Caesar at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Jimmy Conners in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Hold a dinner party on Wednesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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