Sunday, February 26, 2023

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th February 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 70, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

On Monday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!


The Slug July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Billy Crystal in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Wednesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.


[?2004h

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