Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 3 feet, but no more than a mile. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. On Tuesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Marilyn Monroe, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
On Monday, the number 22 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Thursday. It will impress a secret admirer. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 14 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Ray Charles a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
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