You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 99 feet, but no more than a mile. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Sunday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Monday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
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