It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. The number 82 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Avoid the number 79 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 2, the color yellow and someone who has a connection to Oprah Winfrey will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Get the guys or girls around your place on Saturday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
In a parallel universe you were born as Jimmy Conners. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Chuck Yeager, Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color red. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Tuesday. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
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