Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th July 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Wednesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Willey Mays driving a white car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Thursday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Sunday. It will impress a secret admirer. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd July 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 56 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Monday this week. Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. On Monday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Aristotle will shower you with unusual gifts on Saturday. This will only happen though if you are wearing orange Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing purple. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th July 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

In a parallel universe you were born as Thomas Edison. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Monday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th July 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Don't leave your house on Tuesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Friday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Monday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Michael Jackson, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Saturday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Carol Burnett. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 42 feet, but no more than a mile. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. The number 3 will have special significance on Thursday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing pink. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

[?2004h