You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Wednesday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Willey Mays driving a white car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Thursday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Sunday. It will impress a secret admirer. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
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