Don't leave your house on Tuesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Friday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Monday.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Michael Jackson, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Saturday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Carol Burnett. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 42 feet, but no more than a mile. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. The number 3 will have special significance on Thursday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing pink. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
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