Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st September 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 23 feet, but no more than a mile. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Tiger Woods. Does this matter? Only time will tell. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Hook up with an Octopus on Wednesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Sigmund Freud in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. On Sunday night you will dream of being Walter Cronkite. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Sunday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th August 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Sunday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th

There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Saturday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 5. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th August 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Saturday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Henri Mancini, Look yourself in the mirror on Wednesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Harry Houdini. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th August 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Marilyn Vos Savant, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 43 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). On Sunday night you will dream of being Ray Charles. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Ross Perot will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Wednesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th August 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The color orange will be very important to you this week. Especially on Monday, and when connected to the number 40, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Rick Perry. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Saturday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet General Norman Schwarzkopf and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. The number 61 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color blue. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. On Thursday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th July 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Get out and enjoy life on Friday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! You will go to an auction on Wednesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. A pretty young woman connected to the number 29 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Thursday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. A green car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing pink. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st July 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Saturday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th July 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A orange car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Friday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th July 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Michael Jackson. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Thomas Jefferson will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing white You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The number 14 will be a powerful omen for you this Monday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th June 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like George Carlin. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 21 feet, but no more than a mile. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Sunday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 90, the color red and someone who has a connection to Susan B. Anthony will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd June 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Elvis Presley and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. On Monday night you will dream of being Michael Landon. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Why will the color white be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Oprah Winfrey a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th June 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Newt Gingrich and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Carol Burnett. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 3 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th June 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Monday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Carrie Fisher in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 65. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd June 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? On Thursday, the number 93 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th May 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Friday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Mae West. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Monday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Monday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Wednesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Avoid the number 55 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th May 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Lucille Ball, Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. On Sunday night you will dream of being Mozart. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Michele Pfeiffer, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Friday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th May 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Tuesday this week. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 97, the color green and someone who has a connection to C. G. Jung will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Monday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Miles Davis, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Thursday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.