Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Newt Gingrich and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Carol Burnett. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 3 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
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