Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like George Carlin. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 21 feet, but no more than a mile. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Sunday night get-together.
The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 90, the color red and someone who has a connection to Susan B. Anthony will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
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