Sunday, August 24, 2025

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th August 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Sunday.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.


The Slug July 26th

There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Saturday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 5. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.


Sunday, August 17, 2025

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th August 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Saturday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.


The Slug July 26th

Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Henri Mancini, Look yourself in the mirror on Wednesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Harry Houdini. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.


Sunday, August 10, 2025

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th August 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Marilyn Vos Savant, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 43 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). On Sunday night you will dream of being Ray Charles. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.


The Slug July 26th

If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Ross Perot will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Wednesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.


Sunday, August 3, 2025

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th August 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The color orange will be very important to you this week. Especially on Monday, and when connected to the number 40, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Rick Perry. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Saturday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet General Norman Schwarzkopf and Tiger Woods.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.


The Slug July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. The number 61 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color blue. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. On Thursday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.