The color orange will be very important to you this week. Especially on Monday, and when connected to the number 40, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Rick Perry. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Saturday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet General Norman Schwarzkopf and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. The number 61 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color blue. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. On Thursday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
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