Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Sunday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug July 26th
There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Saturday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 5. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.