If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Marilyn Vos Savant, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 43 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). On Sunday night you will dream of being Ray Charles. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Ross Perot will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Wednesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
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