A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Tuesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. On Wednesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 12. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
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