Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26 January 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Chevy Chase, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. If you see anybody this week who looks like Madonna, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. If you wear too much make-up on Monday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Liberace, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Take extra special care on Thursday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 32. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Henry A. Kissinger a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th January 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Friday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! The number 10 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Paul McCartney then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Wednesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. The number 91 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th January 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Yogi Berra driving a purple car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 23 feet, but no more than a mile. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Monday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Arthur Ashe and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th January 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Martin Luther King, This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

Hanging out with a Scallop on Thursday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Ross Perot will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing yellow If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Marilyn Vos Savant, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Wake up at 3:00 AM on Sunday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Should you wear orange on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. A green car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.