A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Friday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! The number 10 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Paul McCartney then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Wednesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. The number 91 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment