Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Chevy Chase, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. If you see anybody this week who looks like Madonna, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. If you wear too much make-up on Monday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Liberace, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Take extra special care on Thursday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 32. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Henry A. Kissinger a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
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