Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th October

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 63 feet, but no more than a mile. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A pretty young woman connected to the number 15 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A squid in need is a squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug
July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. The number 87 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Avoid the kung po chicken.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Tuesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th October

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Also, try to avoid even numbers this Tuesday if possible as they will only bring you trouble.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Dietary choices may be important on Friday. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week.

The Slug
July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'sell. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th October

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice.

The Slug
July 26th

You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 93.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people.

Horoscopes for week beginning 6th October

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 93.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of clams. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again.

The Slug
July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook.