December 2nd - February 19th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 63 feet, but no more than a mile. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
A pretty young woman connected to the number 15 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A squid in need is a squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug
July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. The number 87 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Avoid the kung po chicken.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Tuesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
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