Sunday, October 19, 2008

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th October

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Also, try to avoid even numbers this Tuesday if possible as they will only bring you trouble.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Dietary choices may be important on Friday. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week.

The Slug
July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'sell. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus.

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