Sunday, November 9, 2008

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th November

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 27 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You may want to keep a fellow clam close to your side on Thursday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You know a clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 95 feet, but no more than a mile. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Remember, your lips are sealed.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug
July 26th

You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarterpounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

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