December 2nd - February 19th
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, speak to your doctor for advice. Beware an advance from a limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Meet up with a squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You know a squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of clam-support.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You might know of a slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug
July 26th
A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Thursday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
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