December 2nd - February 19th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Tuesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You know a squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of clam-support.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug
July 26th
You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Avoid the number 66 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A man connected with the number 21 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
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