Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th March 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Avoid roller-coasters at *all* costs on Sunday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Sunday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug
July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Hanging out with a Scallop on Sunday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Invite a squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.