December 2nd - February 19th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Thursday this week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Wednesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Sunday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 69 feet, but no more than a mile. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You will bump into a Mussel on Wednesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug
July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color red. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
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