December 2nd - February 19th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. On Wednesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid the number 17 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug
July 26th
There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Get the guys or girls around your place on Friday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
A man connected with the number 42 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
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