December 2nd - February 19th
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Avoid roller-coasters at *all* costs on Tuesday.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Remember, your lips are sealed.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug
July 26th
Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A man connected with the number 16 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
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