Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th July 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Monday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Friday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Something about the number 94 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Wednesday will keep your mind occupied. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Hook up with an Octopus on Wednesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 23, the color white and someone who has a connection to W.C.Fields will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

The number 93 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You have a gift, a gift for predicting the outcomes of sporting events. This gift might make you very popular in certain parts of Europe so maybe a holiday to Spain is in order?

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A man connected with the number 30 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.