Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th July 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A man connected with the number 8 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Saturday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. You will go to an auction on Thursday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.