Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th July 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug
July 26th

You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Sunday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Willey Mays. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you see anybody this week who looks like Elizabeth Dole, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. A man connected with the number 57 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Avoid the number 68 if possible on Tuesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.