Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th October 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 3 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Wednesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Friday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves.  You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. On Tuesday night you will dream of being Weird Al Yankovick. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug
July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual.  On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. The number 61 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.