Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th October 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Sunday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You are not Augustus Caesar, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug
July 26th

Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual.  Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Nathaniel Hawthorne, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Benny Goodman. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. In a parallel universe you were born as Nathaniel Hawthorne. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.