Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th October 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color.  Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug
July 26th

You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you see anybody this week who looks like Mr. Rogers, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist.  This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Try relaxing on Monday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.