The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You are not Louis Pasteur, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug
July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Friday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd November 2010
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. A man connected with the number 13 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug
July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Get the guys or girls around your place on Wednesday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Avoid the number 10 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Leonardo Da Vinci, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing blue. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
December 2nd - February 19th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. A man connected with the number 13 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug
July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Get the guys or girls around your place on Wednesday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Avoid the number 10 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Leonardo Da Vinci, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing blue. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th November 2010
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Augustus Caesar. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Helen Keller in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You are not Michael Jackson, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug
July 26th
You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Marilyn Vos Savant, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 35 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Try relaxing on Friday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
December 2nd - February 19th
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Augustus Caesar. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Helen Keller in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You are not Michael Jackson, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug
July 26th
You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Marilyn Vos Savant, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 35 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Try relaxing on Friday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th November 2010
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Wednesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 34. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 69 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 42, the color red and someone who has a connection to Alexander Graham Bell will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug
July 26th
You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
December 2nd - February 19th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Wednesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 34. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 69 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 42, the color red and someone who has a connection to Alexander Graham Bell will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug
July 26th
You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
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