Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th November 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Augustus Caesar. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual.  The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Helen Keller in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You are not Michael Jackson, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug
July 26th

You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Marilyn Vos Savant, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 35 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Try relaxing on Friday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.