Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th November 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You are not Louis Pasteur, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug
July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism.  There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Friday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.