Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd November 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. A man connected with the number 13 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug
July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Get the guys or girls around your place on Wednesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Avoid the number 10 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Leonardo Da Vinci, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing blue. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.