Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th January 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Saturday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Bob Hope will shower you with unusual gifts on Monday. This will only happen though if you are wearing yellow It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Friday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug
July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Something about the number 85 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Arthur Ashe a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.